January 2019

Welcome to a slightly different blog post.  Before I talk about the main point I wish to discuss today, I want to thank CTS for being an affirming church.  An affirming church is a church that not only welcomes, but affirms and validates the identity and experience of people who do not fit within the cisgender, heterosexual norms that our society espouses.  Many churches say that they are welcoming, but most are not affirming, so it is wonderful to be in one that is affirming.

What I would like to focus on today is the process of coming out.  Coming out is something that any member of the queer community is intimately familiar with.  It is a sacred act; sacred being defined as something that is unassailable, inviolable or highly valued and important.  It is an act that exposes who the person coming out truly is.

Our society is a society in which being heterosexual and cisgender is the norm, or in the words of the movie “Love, Simon”: Straight is the default.  Coming out is a scary process because it transgresses societal norms and affirms that the person coming out is different, and not everyone reacts well to other people being different.  Unfortunately, we still have people today who cannot come out because of how people around them will react, whether it be with violence or with being shunned.

When I first came out, I did so to some people I worked with who I knew would be ok with it.  Later, I came out to my mom and sister.  My sister took it well, but my mom actually teared up and asked if there was something that she had done which caused me to be gay.  I have to admit that that really hurt because I was always closest to my mom out of my whole family.  Eventually, I came out to my dad, who had the perfect reaction.  Although I was petrified to tell him, I did and he gave me a big hug and thanked me for being able to come out to him.  After this, I was able to come out to everyone around me and eventually to the world in general.

See, coming out is not a one-time thing, it is a process.  In order to come out, you have to feel safe and secure.  If you can’t come out, for whatever reason, it can eat away at you and cause numerous psychological and emotional issues down the road.

If you are lucky enough to have someone come out to you, please don’t take it lightly.  Know that having someone come out to you means that the person is trusting you with something that could potentially be used to hurt them, but they deem you safe enough to not hurt them.  Don’t say that you knew it or make it about you.  It is all about the person coming out.  Acknowledge the courage that they have displayed and assure them that they are safe with you.

Never, ever out someone to other people.  To do so shows a complete disregard for that person’s safety and well-being.  It also shows that you do not respect them, because coming out is something that has to be done on the timetable of the person coming out, not someone else’s timetable.  Again, in the words of Simon from “Love, Simon”, “I’m supposed to be the one that decides when and how and who knows, and how I get to say it, that’s supposed to be my thing!  And you took that away from me!”  No one ever has the right to decide that it is time for someone else to come out, whether it is their sexual orientation or gender identity.

I have seen all sorts of reactions to people coming out.  The ones I hate the most are when someone (generally a celebrity) comes out and people say, “I knew it!” or “It was so obvious!”.  Truth time:

YOU NEVER KNOW WHETHER OR NOT SOMEONE IS GAY/LESBIAN/BI/TRANSGENDER/ETC. UNTIL THEY TELL YOU!

You may suspect, you may wonder, but you do not know.  Period.  End of discussion.  No ifs, ands, or buts about it.  To say this is to completely disrespect the person and to belittle them and what they are doing, because what they are doing is an act of unparalleled courage.

You may have noticed that I have reference the movie “Love, Simon” a couple of times.  That is because the movie is quite possibly one of the best movies I have ever seen about this issue, and it captures the process with more than just a little authenticity.  In the movie, Simon comes out to his parents and after a while has a conversation with his mom.  Her words are well worth listening to:

                      Being gay is your thing. There are parts of it you have to go through alone.

                      I hate that. As soon as you came out, you said, “Mom, I’m still me.” I need

                      you to hear this. You are still you, Simon. You are still the same son who

                      I love to tease, and who your father depends on for just about everything.

                      And you’re the same brother who always compliments his sister on her food,

                      even when it sucks. But you get to exhale now, Simon. You get to be more you

                      than you have been in, in a very long time. You deserve everything you want.

The need to affirm that the person coming out is still the same person is, in my experience, universal.  I know that I used that line more times than I can count when I was coming out to people.  I felt the need to make sure that they knew that I was still the person they knew, only now they knew something that they hadn’t known before.  The other reason I said this is that it seemed to make it easier for people to accept the true, authentic me.  The me who likes guys, the me who loves to wear makeup because of how it makes me feel, the me who is not what society expects because I do not conform to societal norms.  In the immortal words of Popeye, “I am what I am and that’s all that I am.”

I want to close with one more quote from “Love, Simon”.  In the movie, Simon is outed by someone who was blackmailing him and eventually Simon decides to address the issue on his own.  He had been writing with another closeted guy and they were giving each other the courage to come out to people around him.  Unfortunately, Blue; the other guy; cut off contact after the emails they had been exchanging were published.  Simon decides to gamble everything on one last message.  Here is that message:

                      Dear Students of Creekwood High School, as anyone with a

                      half-decent data plan already knows, a recent post declared on this

                      very website declared that I was gay. The delivery left something to

                      be desired, but the message is true. I am gay. For a long time I was

                      killing myself to hide that fact. I had all these reasons, “It was unfair

                      that only gay people had to come out. I was sick of change.” But

                      the truth is I was just scared. First I thought it was just a gay thing,

                      but then I realized no matter what, announcing who you are to the

                      world is pretty terrifying, because what if the world doesn’t like you?

                      So I did whatever I could to keep my secret. I hurt the best, the most

                      important people, and I want them to know that I’m sorry. I am done

                      being scared, I’m done living in a world where I don’t get to be who

                      I am. I deserve a great love story. Disclaimer, this is about to get

                      romantic as F, so anyone averse to gratuitous feelings, kindly click

                      over to the BuzzFeed quiz or resume the porn you paused to read this.

                      This guy that I love once wrote that he felt like he was stuck on ferris

                      wheel. On top of the world one minute, rock bottom the next. That’s

                      how I feel now. I couldn’t ask for more amazing friends, a more

                      understanding family. But it would all be so much better if I had someone

                      to share it with. So, Blue, I might not know your name or what you look

                      like, but I know who you are. I know you’re funny and thoughtful. You

                      choose your words carefully and that they’re always perfect, and I know

                      that you’ve been pretending for so long that it’s hard to believe you can stop.

                      I get it. Like I told you at the very beginning, I’m just like you. So, Blue,

                      after the play, Friday at ten, you know where I’ll be. No pressure for you to

                      show up. But I hope you do, because you deserve a great love story too.

                      Love, Simon.

So, to my chosen family here at CTS, know that you have made this church a safe place for me.  A place where I can be who I am and not be worried about how people will react.  A place where I know that I am loved, accepted, affirmed, and; most of all; known.  Thank you for that, because it means more to have that than you can possibly know.

Love, Matt

October 2018

8) We recognize patriarchy and sexism are “a mix of power, privilege, and prejudice.” [Freed in Christ: Race, Ethnicity, and Culture (Chicago: Evangelical Lutheran Church in America [ELCA], 1993), 4.] They prevent all human beings from living into the abundant life for which God created them. Patriarchy is a social system dominated by men, identified with men, and centered on men’s actions, voices, and authority. In patriarchal systems, men are typically viewed as better than women, given more power than women, and have more authority than women. This patriarchal worldview harms women and girls. Sexism is the reinforcement of male privilege. It promotes silencing, controlling, and devaluing women, girls, and gender non-conforming people. Everyone intentionally and unintentionally participates in a patriarchal system, and it affects individuals in different ways.

9) We recognize that when society and church have spoken about women and girls, the hidden assumption often has been that they are white and heterosexual.  However, this statement’s references to women and girls are inclusive of all women—women of color and white women, lesbians, transgender women, women with disabilities, and immigrant women.

10) We believe that many individuals who suffer under the weight of patriarchy and sexism also experience intersecting burdens. In addition to sex or gender discrimination, they may also be treated in oppressive ways according to their race, ethnicity, economic status, age, sexual orientation, gender identity, immigration status, or ability, or because of the language they speak.

11) We reject patriarchy and sexism as sinful because they deny the truth that all people are created equally in God’s image. Too often behaviors and decisions rooted in patriarchy and sexism cause overt harm, inequities, and degradations. Examples include gender-based violence (including physical and emotional violence and coercion), pay inequality, human trafficking, restricted access to health care and economic resources, inadequate research on health issues affecting women, denial of educational opportunities, objectifying portrayals of women in media, and failure to value and support elderly women, mothers, and children. [See ELCA social teaching documents that address many of these topics: ELCA.org/socialstatements and ELCA.org/socialmessages.]

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Before we get to my thoughts, please note that the two areas in brackets above are footnotes in the Draft Statement which I have included for reference purposes.

Any systemic injustice or prejudice (sexism, racism, homophobia, transphobia, etc.) can have both overt and covert elements.  For example, there are racists such as the so-called "alt-right" who are incredibly blatant in both their racism and sexism.  On the other hand, you sometimes have people who are not overtly racist, sexist, etc, but they still act in ways that are racist, sexist, etc.  If you stop and think about it, I would imagine there has been at least one time when you have done so yourself.  It is often a passing thought, a reflexive action, or something so small you probably didn't even think about it.

For example, have you ever seen a young black man walking down the street and watched them just a bit closer than you would other people?  Or more to the point here, have you ever seen a woman and judged her intelligence based on how she looks?  Both of these are examples of how even the best of us may be affected by the systemic prejudices that infect our society.  We may not consciously say to ourselves that a woman who looks like a model is unintelligent, but because of the notions that our society has as assumptions, we may do so without even thinking about.  To go the opposite direction, we may consider women who aren't as pretty or who wear glasses to be more intelligent because this is another notion that our society has: intelligence and smarts don't generally go together.

This sort of problem becomes even worse when the woman involved is a woman of color, a queer woman (whatever her gender identity or sexual orientation), or a queer woman of color because there are then multiple intersecting prejudices which come into play.  In other words, not only do they have to deal with the sexism that a white heterosexual woman would have to deal with, but they also have to deal with prejudice based on their race, gender identity, sexual orientation, or other identity (several of which are listed in 10) above).

When it comes to the church and to worship, patriarchal notions have an impact there as well.  Until relatively recently, women either could not hold positions of overt authority or be ministers.  I say overt authority because there have been women who have exerted covert or behind the scenes authority, which has led to certain stereotypes of women as being backstabbers or scheming vixens.  But if you think about it, not giving talented women a chance to exercise their skills/talents in the open is going to force them to exercise them covertly, which leads to the stereotypes and simultaneously reinforces them.

I know when I first visited CTS, I was surprised at seeing a female pastor.  Having grown up as a Catholic, I have had no experience with women leading worship services.  I have almost always had female bosses, so the idea of females in authority doesn't bother or faze me, but I did have to take a teeny bit of time to adjust to a female pastor.  But I have found Pastor Kari to be as good as (or in certain cases better than) other pastors or priests I have had contact with in the past.  I will admit that my reaction was sexist of the covert nature.  I didn't discount the idea of a female pastor, but it was something that I had never seriously considered because I just took it for granted that women couldn't be pastors.  As I said above, I wasn't consciously putting women down, but I had grown up in a religion where women didn't have religious authority, so seeing a woman with religious authority challenged some ideas that were foundational to my understanding of religion.

I know that there have been other times (some of which I have acknowledged to individuals in the past) where I have inadvertently or unconsciously said something that was sexist.  If I have ever done so to you, I want to apologize because I do try very hard not to do so, but I know that I am not perfect.  If I do so in the future, please pull me aside and tell me and I will apologize then and there.

Please take a look at your own life and your own words.  Do you ever do something to accidentally (or purposefully) perpetuate a sexist system?  Do you actively police what you say in order to be sure that you don't say or do something that reinforces sexism?  Do you challenge others when they do so?

We are all children of God and we all deserve to be treated with dignity and respect regardless of any aspect of our identity.

- Matt Vandover

September 2018

From the Draft Statement, Basic Statement, Section III, Resources for Resisting Patriarchy and Sexism

16) While God’s Word of Law and Gospel speaks through the Scriptures, there are words and images, social patterns, and moral beliefs in them that reflect the patriarchal values of the cultures and societies in which they arose. Their continued misuse contributes to maintaining hierarchies and patterns of inequity and harm.

17) The Christian theological tradition also bears this dual character. In particular, some doctrines affect our understanding about humanity and God more than others. These teachings affect our use of language. The teachings about the image of God, the Body of Christ, and the Trinity have sometimes been misused to support patriarchal beliefs, attitudes, church practices, behaviors, and structures. At the same time, these doctrines also provide liberating resources for healing the effects of the sins of patriarchy and sexism.

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I want to start with the two paragraphs above which, I believe, encapsulate the reason why we need to take care to examine the language that we use during religious services or when discussing God in general.

The Scriptures, like anything written by humans, reflects the cultural and personal biases that are present at the time it was written.  While we cannot dismiss the Scriptures out of hand, we also should not accept them uncritically.  We need to be aware of the biases that may creep into what was written and reflect on how those biases may affect how we personally (or collectively) interpret the Scriptures.

For example, the first Person of the Trinity has historically been referred to as God the Father.  This stems partly from the belief that, when it came to bringing children into the world, the purpose of the father was to create and the purpose of the mother was to bear the child.  As an aside, this is why Mary is often called the “Mother of God” (in Greek “theotokos” which can be translated as “God-bearer”).  It also stems from patriarchal notions that were (and are) present in many societies.  A lot of people continue to call the first Person of the Trinity “God the Father”, but there are also a lot of people who call the first Person “Mother” or just “God” to reflect that God is genderless and also to reflect that all of humanity, regardless of gender, is created in the image and likeness of God (“imago Dei”).

This understanding of using language to more accurately reflect the genderlessness of God is also why people have written alternative forms of the “Our Father”.  These are not written out of any sense of disrespect, but to show a much more profound respect for the diversity that exists in the creation that God has made.  After all, is God not also our Mother?  Historically, a mother’s role has been to nurture her children and to offer succor when needed.  Does God not do this throughout the Old and New Testaments?  So calling God our Mother is an equally valid option.

Then we also have to reflect that, since gender is a social construct and sex is biological and God has no physical form, it would also be accurate to use language that reflects that God is without gender or sex, and therefore using gender-neutral or non-binary language is also appropriate.

I know that when I write, I try and flip between these different options to reflect the multidimensional understanding that we have of God as Father and Mother and non-binary Parent.  Other people prefer one or another of these choices, but I prefer to use them all.

What do you think?

- Matt Vandover