Welcome to a slightly different blog post. Before I talk about the main point I wish to discuss today, I want to thank CTS for being an affirming church. An affirming church is a church that not only welcomes, but affirms and validates the identity and experience of people who do not fit within the cisgender, heterosexual norms that our society espouses. Many churches say that they are welcoming, but most are not affirming, so it is wonderful to be in one that is affirming.
What I would like to focus on today is the process of coming out. Coming out is something that any member of the queer community is intimately familiar with. It is a sacred act; sacred being defined as something that is unassailable, inviolable or highly valued and important. It is an act that exposes who the person coming out truly is.
Our society is a society in which being heterosexual and cisgender is the norm, or in the words of the movie “Love, Simon”: Straight is the default. Coming out is a scary process because it transgresses societal norms and affirms that the person coming out is different, and not everyone reacts well to other people being different. Unfortunately, we still have people today who cannot come out because of how people around them will react, whether it be with violence or with being shunned.
When I first came out, I did so to some people I worked with who I knew would be ok with it. Later, I came out to my mom and sister. My sister took it well, but my mom actually teared up and asked if there was something that she had done which caused me to be gay. I have to admit that that really hurt because I was always closest to my mom out of my whole family. Eventually, I came out to my dad, who had the perfect reaction. Although I was petrified to tell him, I did and he gave me a big hug and thanked me for being able to come out to him. After this, I was able to come out to everyone around me and eventually to the world in general.
See, coming out is not a one-time thing, it is a process. In order to come out, you have to feel safe and secure. If you can’t come out, for whatever reason, it can eat away at you and cause numerous psychological and emotional issues down the road.
If you are lucky enough to have someone come out to you, please don’t take it lightly. Know that having someone come out to you means that the person is trusting you with something that could potentially be used to hurt them, but they deem you safe enough to not hurt them. Don’t say that you knew it or make it about you. It is all about the person coming out. Acknowledge the courage that they have displayed and assure them that they are safe with you.
Never, ever out someone to other people. To do so shows a complete disregard for that person’s safety and well-being. It also shows that you do not respect them, because coming out is something that has to be done on the timetable of the person coming out, not someone else’s timetable. Again, in the words of Simon from “Love, Simon”, “I’m supposed to be the one that decides when and how and who knows, and how I get to say it, that’s supposed to be my thing! And you took that away from me!” No one ever has the right to decide that it is time for someone else to come out, whether it is their sexual orientation or gender identity.
I have seen all sorts of reactions to people coming out. The ones I hate the most are when someone (generally a celebrity) comes out and people say, “I knew it!” or “It was so obvious!”. Truth time:
YOU NEVER KNOW WHETHER OR NOT SOMEONE IS GAY/LESBIAN/BI/TRANSGENDER/ETC. UNTIL THEY TELL YOU!
You may suspect, you may wonder, but you do not know. Period. End of discussion. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. To say this is to completely disrespect the person and to belittle them and what they are doing, because what they are doing is an act of unparalleled courage.
You may have noticed that I have reference the movie “Love, Simon” a couple of times. That is because the movie is quite possibly one of the best movies I have ever seen about this issue, and it captures the process with more than just a little authenticity. In the movie, Simon comes out to his parents and after a while has a conversation with his mom. Her words are well worth listening to:
Being gay is your thing. There are parts of it you have to go through alone.
I hate that. As soon as you came out, you said, “Mom, I’m still me.” I need
you to hear this. You are still you, Simon. You are still the same son who
I love to tease, and who your father depends on for just about everything.
And you’re the same brother who always compliments his sister on her food,
even when it sucks. But you get to exhale now, Simon. You get to be more you
than you have been in, in a very long time. You deserve everything you want.
The need to affirm that the person coming out is still the same person is, in my experience, universal. I know that I used that line more times than I can count when I was coming out to people. I felt the need to make sure that they knew that I was still the person they knew, only now they knew something that they hadn’t known before. The other reason I said this is that it seemed to make it easier for people to accept the true, authentic me. The me who likes guys, the me who loves to wear makeup because of how it makes me feel, the me who is not what society expects because I do not conform to societal norms. In the immortal words of Popeye, “I am what I am and that’s all that I am.”
I want to close with one more quote from “Love, Simon”. In the movie, Simon is outed by someone who was blackmailing him and eventually Simon decides to address the issue on his own. He had been writing with another closeted guy and they were giving each other the courage to come out to people around him. Unfortunately, Blue; the other guy; cut off contact after the emails they had been exchanging were published. Simon decides to gamble everything on one last message. Here is that message:
Dear Students of Creekwood High School, as anyone with a
half-decent data plan already knows, a recent post declared on this
very website declared that I was gay. The delivery left something to
be desired, but the message is true. I am gay. For a long time I was
killing myself to hide that fact. I had all these reasons, “It was unfair
that only gay people had to come out. I was sick of change.” But
the truth is I was just scared. First I thought it was just a gay thing,
but then I realized no matter what, announcing who you are to the
world is pretty terrifying, because what if the world doesn’t like you?
So I did whatever I could to keep my secret. I hurt the best, the most
important people, and I want them to know that I’m sorry. I am done
being scared, I’m done living in a world where I don’t get to be who
I am. I deserve a great love story. Disclaimer, this is about to get
romantic as F, so anyone averse to gratuitous feelings, kindly click
over to the BuzzFeed quiz or resume the porn you paused to read this.
This guy that I love once wrote that he felt like he was stuck on ferris
wheel. On top of the world one minute, rock bottom the next. That’s
how I feel now. I couldn’t ask for more amazing friends, a more
understanding family. But it would all be so much better if I had someone
to share it with. So, Blue, I might not know your name or what you look
like, but I know who you are. I know you’re funny and thoughtful. You
choose your words carefully and that they’re always perfect, and I know
that you’ve been pretending for so long that it’s hard to believe you can stop.
I get it. Like I told you at the very beginning, I’m just like you. So, Blue,
after the play, Friday at ten, you know where I’ll be. No pressure for you to
show up. But I hope you do, because you deserve a great love story too.
Love, Simon.
So, to my chosen family here at CTS, know that you have made this church a safe place for me. A place where I can be who I am and not be worried about how people will react. A place where I know that I am loved, accepted, affirmed, and; most of all; known. Thank you for that, because it means more to have that than you can possibly know.
Love, Matt